Telling Your Child They Are Autistic

An Affirming Guide for Parents & Carers

photos of 2 different parents with their children

Created by Helen Edgar (Autistic Realms), Jess Garner (GROVE Founder/Director) and GROVE’s Young Leaders team.

Telling your child they are Autistic may feel like a big moment, but it’s helpful to view it as part of an evolving and unfolding journey for both of you. We really do need to give our children language and frameworks to describe their experiences though as it may help them to build a positive Autistic identity and make sure they know they are understood and loved just as they are. Many Autistic children already sense they’re different and due to others’ treatment, that isn’t necessarily internalised in a positive sense. Without accurate, neuro-affirming ways to frame their experiences they might feel broken, wrong or alone. That’s why we believe supporting your child to develop an affirming understanding of autism may help – over time – to replace shame with affirming self-knowledge, wellbeing and even pride: 

“… knowledge of self is not so much powerful as essential to wellbeing. The better one knows and understands one’s self, the greater the chance of a good quality life. Therefore if a child is autistic, she needs to know not just that she has that identification but exactly (or as near to exactly as possible) what that actually means to her on any given day. It cannot be underestimated what the impact of fully understanding autism, and the relationship between being autistic and one’s lived experience, can be.” Dr Luke Beardon, What Works for Autistic Children 

Research and lived experience consistently show that Autistic self-understanding is linked to positive mental health outcomes, particularly when shared early and framed supportively. Studies indicate that timely disclosure of an autism identification, paired with neuro-affirming support, is associated with increased self-esteem and reduced anxiety (Cooper et al., 2022; Davies et al., 2024). Meanwhile, delaying or avoiding these conversations, or using deficit-based language, can lead children to internalise stigma and negatively impact wellbeing (Botha & Frost, 2020). 

As Reframing Autism puts it, “If we don’t tell our children they are Autistic, we may be unintentionally communicating that autism is something to hide.”  

It’s never too early, or too late to start the conversation. What matters most is how we do it. 

Hopefully this blog will give you some foundations, principles, and ideas you can reflect on, so you can pick and choose what feels right for your young person. 

When should I tell my child they are Autistic?

Research and lived experience tell us that early, value-neutral disclosure about neurodivergence helps pave the way towards preventing shame. Delaying these conversations can unintentionally lead to self-doubt or internalised ableism (Cribb et al., 2019): 

“I’ve just always felt that I work in a different way to others (in school especially, so this was at four and five, when I didn’t know about autism and it hadn’t entered the public conversation as much) and was neutral about that – I cannot speak for others, of course, but might it be that often the parent could be more uncomfortable than the child? Could that be something for the parent to consider?” GROVE Young Leader 

Let’s consider some different stages: 

Some practical ideas prior to an assessment: 

Why?  

“To discover more about how your nervous system works so we know how best to support you.” 

You can use ‘brain’ but nervous system is more accurate because being Autistic is an embodied experience, not just ‘located’ in the brain.  

“To find out more about how we can support you and help you be happy, healthy and thrive in life.” 

We advocate for using language such as ‘identification’ or ‘discovery’. 

How? 

“We’ll talk / play with someone whose job it is to find out more about people.” 

Your child might need you to demystify it as best you can – when, how, what the place and people look like, what sort of things they might have to do, when they will be told the outcome. 

Depending on what your child already believes about autism, you might need to do some reframing. We would also urge you to consider whether it might be wise to anticipate these kinds of thoughts rather than wait for them to come out: 

“Why are we going to see a Doctor / to a hospital / clinic if it’s not that something is wrong with me?” 

Depending on your child’s age and developmental stage you could explore the different perspectives between the medical model vs. neurodiversity paradigm or just reassure them nothing is wrong. 

“But autism means something is wrong with me.” 

Again, depending on your child, you might explore different perspectives or simply reassure them there is nothing wrong. Highlight their strengths, tell them what you love about them, and show them affirming and varied representations of Autistic people in books, TV, film, and real life. 

“I’m not autistic – I’m not like XYZ.” 

You could reply with something along the lines of: “Because you are you! Everyone is unique – being Autistic means you likely have some similar experiences to other Autistic people, not that you are the same.” 

Some practical ideas post assessment: 

When? 

  • Find out from the professionals involved when you will be told. 
  • If they have been aware of the assessment process, you could ask your child when they would like to be told. 
  • We recommend never withholding this information.  
  • It may help to choose a time when you are regulated and have the space to hold whatever emotions or responses arise. 
  • When discussed with our Young Leaders we all felt that not making a big deal out of the initial disclosure may work best for many young people – so not necessarily a formal “sit down, we have something to tell you” approach. 

How? 

  • If they have been aware of the assessment process, you could ask your child how they would like to be told. 
  • Consider different communication methods – chat, text, letter, or other formats that suit them. 
  • Allow time for processing – it’s okay if they don’t want to talk about it straight away. 
  • Keep the door open for future conversations and let them know they can explore this with you or through books, websites, or other trusted people (as appropriate and accessible). 
  • A word of caution about sharing full reports: while many professionals are moving towards neuro-affirming language, this is not consistent everywhere. Some reports will still contain deficit-based, pejorative descriptions that could be harmful for your child to read. 

What do I actually say when telling my child they are Autistic?

Should I tell them that autism is their superpower? 

“My brother had a problem with toxic positivity, the teachers were like ‘what’s your autistic superpower?’ and I think kids need to know its ok just to be autistic, they don’t need to justify their existence with a skill.” GROVE Young Leader 

We do not recommend describing autism or autistic characteristics as superpowers.  While this comes from a place of love, a desire to boost self-worth and attempt to move away from pathology, instead it can create confusion and even harm. 

Describing autism as a superpower minimises the very real struggle that Autistic people can experience – disability. Disability it is a natural feature of human life!  

The idea of “having” a superpower can also imply something separate from the person, something to hide or perform.  

It risks caricaturing Autistic experience rather than honouring it as a valid way of being human. And humans don’t have superpowers after all.  

So, what do I tell them then? 

That they are Autistic and that together – when they are ready – you can explore what that means for them. 

A key starting point is to learn from Autistic people – especially those actively engaging with and challenging deficit-based narratives. This can help you develop an up-to-date, affirming understanding of autism to share with your child.  

As one of our Young Leaders points out, this learning may be relevant for you too: 

“Parents (mine included) may recognise that they’re ND after kid diagnosed so positive support for kids helps them too.” GROVE Young Leader 

Resources & Ideas to Help Tell Your Child They Are Autistic

I need resources and ideas, please! 

No worries – we can help! Firstly, we recommend learning about neurodiversity and using neuro-affirming language (see our blog on Neuro-affirming Language). 

Words matter, and when we talk about autism with our children, we shape the stories they tell themselves. Many Autistic adults and professionals recommend identity-first language (e.g. “Autistic person” rather than “person with autism”) because it reflects our “way of being” (Sinclaire, 1993), pride and ownership.  

“You are autistic! Not you have autism… It’s not a bag, I can’t put it down.” GROVE Young Leader 

Many families begin with small, everyday conversations – naming sensory preferences, noticing how people think and learn differently and by pointing out that every person is unique.  

As explained in our other blog, try to avoid medicalised or deficit-based terms like “disorder,” “symptoms,” or “high/low functioning,” as this is not affirming and can invalidate lived experiences and contribute to shame. To be Autistic is not to have a list of deficits; it’s a way of experiencing and processing the world. 

Instead, you might say: 

“You’re Autistic, which means your nervous system is wired for depth, pattern, and sensitivity. That can make some things harder, but it also brings insight, creativity, and perspective for example….” 

Frame their Autistic experience as something that explains: 

“You know how some things feel really intense for you, like noise or bright lights? That’s because your brain and body work a bit differently to non-autistic people, and that difference is part of being Autistic and it is ok. There isn’t a right or wrong way of experiencing the world.” 

You might say: 

“Your brain is amazing at focusing on the things you love such as… That deep focus is something called monotropism. It means you experience the world in rich, detailed ways.” 

Grounding these ideas in your child’s real-life experiences – what brings them joy, what they notice, how they learn, communicate and sense – can help them see that their differences aren’t something to be ashamed of and hide; rather something to understand and embrace. Their Autistic identity is an intrinsic part of who they are. 

Anticipate questions and stay open 

Your child might ask: 

  • “Am I broken?” 
  • “Is this why I find things hard?” 
  • “Will I always be different?” 

These are big, important questions; it is important to be honest but always affirming. Let them know that being Autistic is not about being broken or wrong, it is how they were born. It means they may need support in some areas and thrive in others – just like everyone else. Adapting to suit them, exploring models of disability (e.g. the social model or bio-psycho-social model) with your children may be really helpful here! 

You might respond: 

“You’re not broken. Being Autistic means you experience the world differently, and sometimes that means the world isn’t set up in ways that feel easy or comfortable. But there’s nothing wrong with you. Let’s think together about what might help……” 

This is not a comprehensive list but we think that exploring areas such as these may also be a good idea (not in any kind of order of importance or priority): 

  • Neurodiversity – paradigm, movement, neuro-normativity 
  • The pathology paradigm and medical model 
  • Sensory experiences 
  • Communication and socialising 
  • Motor differences 
  • The Double Empathy Problem 
  • Monotropism  
  • The history of autism 
  • Autistic culture 
  • Disability models 
  • Intersectionality  
  • Co-occurring neurodivergence
  • Supports, accommodations, workarounds 
  • Regulation, dysregulation, distress – what’s happening, what supports them individually 
  • Well-being – what safety means to them, Autistic joy, stimming, interests, energy management, flow 
  • How routine, change, transitions are for them
  • Masking 
  • Burnout 
  • Self-advocacy… and more! Remember we are all still learning about Autistic experience and this is a journey not an end point. 

Essentially: 

What does being Autistic mean to them and others?  

What does a good life and well-being look like to them? 

The Importance of Autistic Community Connection

Telling your child they are Autistic is the beginning of a journey, not a one-off moment, but an unfolding process of self-discovery. As they grow, their understanding of themselves will shift and deepen.  And wider society will also continue to learn more about Autistic identity and experience too now that Autistic people are contributing to knowledge far more than in the past. You can return to the conversation again and again, using real-life moments to talk about difference, sensory needs, relationships, identity, and self-care. Follow your child’s lead – their questions, their interests, their pace. 

Research highlights the importance of pride, community, and connection: 

  • Pride can combat shame and support collective self-esteem, solidarity, and agency  
  • Celebration of identity promotes acceptance and positivity about stigmatised identities  
  • Community enables shared understanding and empowerment (Barnes, 2015)  

Greater self-understanding supports the development of a positive Autistic identity, which may act as a protective factor against poor mental health (Cooper et al., 2022; Heselton et al., 2022) and stigma (Farahar, 2023).  

Hodge et al. (2019) emphasise that a positive Autistic identity – and connection with others who affirm it – is crucial to a positive sense of self.  

Your child may already feel isolated if their differences have been misunderstood or stigmatised. One of the most powerful things you can do is show them they are not alone. Sharing affirming stories of other Autistic people can help them feel seen, valued, and connected. If you or others in your family or community are also Autistic, those shared experiences can be especially grounding and validating. Self-esteem grows in spaces where people feel seen, heard, and not alone.  

Research also shows that connection with neurodivergent peers – particularly within Autistic community – builds belonging, identity, and collective self-worth (Crompton et al., 2020), while reducing loneliness and increasing feelings of safety, comfort, and happiness (Botha et al., 2022; Crompton et al., 2023). 

Groups can provide vital social support, offering spaces to resist negative stereotypes and build empowerment (Camp et al., 2020). As Farahar (2023) describes, Autistic community narratives can provide a framework that makes sense of difference – one rooted in connection rather than isolation, and in the understanding that difference is not less. Pride in Autistic identity is also associated with higher self-esteem (Corden et al., 2021). 

So… celebrate their passions, their stims, their communication, their play, their sensitivity, their curiosity – celebrate the whole of who they are, and find others who do the same. 

Support their needs and help them see that having needs does not make them lesser and needing help from others is a natural human experience.  Over time, pushing through can lead to shame and internalised ableism, and young people come to believe they must override their own needs to be accepted – often at the cost of their wellbeing, identity, and sense of self-worth. 

Helping your child understand they are Autistic isn’t about giving them a label; it’s about giving them a map. A map they can use to understand themselves and navigate a world that is not always set up with them in mind – so they can grow into their identity with confidence and pride. 

 

GROVE is an online neuro-affirming organisation staffed by Autistic Mentors supporting children and young people through identity affirming, interest-based mentoring and peer groups.

Further Support & Reading

REFERENCES:

  • Botha, M. & Frost, D. M. (2020). Extending the Minority Stress Model to Understand Mental Health Problems Experienced by the Autistic Population. Society and Mental Health, 10(1), 20–34. DOI: 10.1177/2156869318804297 
  • Cooper, K., Russell, A. J., Lei, J., & Smith, L. G. (2022). The impact of a positive autism identity and autistic community solidarity on social anxiety and mental health in autistic young people. Autism, 27(3), 848-857. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221118351 
  • Corden, K., Brewer, R., & Cage, E. (2021). Personal Identity After an Autism Diagnosis: Relationships With Self-Esteem, Mental Wellbeing, and Diagnostic Timing. Frontiers in Psychology, 12(699335), https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.699335 

  • Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020) ‘‘I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people’: A thematic analysis of autistic adults’ relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family’, Autism, 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320908976

  • Crompton, C., Hallett, S., Axbey, H., McAuliffe, C., & Cebula, K. (2023). ‘Someone like-minded in a big place’: Autistic young adults’ attitudes towards autistic peer support in mainstream education. Autism, 27(1), 76-91. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221081189
  • Cribb, S., Kenny, L., & Pellicano, E. (2019). ‘I definitely feel more in control of my life’: The perspectives of young autistic people and their parents on emerging adulthood. Autism, 23(7), 1765–1781. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361319830029
  • Davies, J., Cooper, K., Killick, E., Sam, E., Healy, M., Thompson, G., Mandy, W., Redmayne, B., & Crane, L. (2024). Autistic identity: A systematic review of quantitative research. Autism Research, 17(5), 874–897. https://doi.org/10.1002/aur.3105 
  • Farahar, C. (2023). Autistic Identity, Culture, Community, And Space For Well-Being. In D. Milton, & S. Ryan (Eds.), The Routledge International Handbook Of Critical Autism Studies (pp. 229-241). Routledge 
  • Heselton, G. A., Rempel, G. R., & Nicholas, D. B. (2022) “Realizing the problem wasn’t necessarily me”: the meaning of childhood adversity and resilience in the lives of autistic adults, International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being. 17(1), 1-11. https://doi.org/10.1080/17482631.2022.2051237 
  • Hodge, N., Rice, E., & Reidy, L. (2019). ‘They’re told all the time they’re different’: how educators understand development of sense of self for autistic pupils. Disability and Society, 34(9), 1353-1378. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2019.1594700 
  • Sinclair, J. (1993). Don’t Mourn for Us. Our Voice, 1(3), Retrieved from http://www.autreat.com/dont_mourn.html